The start: Uni – All stimulation no motivation

In the mid naughties I began a masters in engineering in the UK. As a fairly sociable freshman / fresher, I was subjected to many distractions away from my studies, most of which involved short skirts, alcohol and great mates; I found that studying was incredibly low on the list of things I wanted to do.

When it came to meeting my first major deadline I sat at my desk in halls of residence and gazed longingly through peoples’ Facebook photos of nights out in fancy dress, triumphant stacks of empty bottles of beer etc. I realised that needed a solution to get my mind back into study mode! I needed to not fail my first year at University!

My solution: Firstly, I found that if I studied through the night, less people were having fun while I was working away in my room. It also meant that I was tired enough not to get huge urges to go out “on the lash”. Secondly, I thought that if I masturbated multiple times a day – as many times as possible in fact – then this would calm me down enough to concentrate on my studies.

The results: In short, it worked! I passed my first year with a 2:1. However, excessive wanking, lack of sleep, and fairly poor diet came at a cost: firstly, my sleeping patterns were terrible! Waking up for morning exams – while only getting to sleep at 5:30 AM – was bloody stupid. Secondly, my mental health began to deteriorate: I would get the odd couple of days of deep depression. Thirdly, and most worrying for me, my my hair began to fall out! Shit!!!

Conclusion: More solutions were needed to stop this hair loss! And fast!

Please note: Despite the sleep deprivation, mild depression, and hair loss, the first year of university was one of the most fun times in my life; I would hate to put any aspiring university goers off. And if you don’t want the stress involved with lots of hard work, just do sociology!