Learning to Live with yourself

I often find that I am one to question everything. I question whether I was right to make certain comments; I review events from years ago and ask myself “was that a decent thing to do?”. In short, I would say that I’m self-critical. Sometimes I can find it hard to live with myself if I feel like I’ve behaved badly, or if I’ve messed up a relationship etc.

I think the truth is that we are all a mixture of good and bad; we all can have terrible thoughts. I read an interesting passage in an action novel the other day which depicted peoples personalities as a build-up of layers over time. Here is what I read:

Cooper had a theory about personality. Most people considered personality to be a singular identity. Malleable, sure, but essentially cohesive. But he tended to see people as more of a chorus. Every stage in life added a voice to that chorus. The different iterations of himself— lonely military brat, cocky teenager, faithful soldier, young husband, dedicated father, relentless hunter— they all existed within him. When he saw a ten-year-old girl, there was a ten-year-old boy inside him that thought she was pretty. Just one voice in a chorus of dozens, which was what marked the difference between healthy people and broken ones; in the broken ones, the inappropriate voices held an inappropriate number of spaces.

Sakey, Marcus (2014-06-17). A Better World (The Brilliance Trilogy Book 2) (p. 171). Thomas & Mercer. Kindle Edition.

Brilliance

 

 

I think that this implies a number of things:

  • People a part bad and can have inappropriate thoughts, however insuring that you pack your personality out with an overwhelming number of good and kind layers, will ensure be a good person overall.
  • It is possible to change who you are through new experience, life events, development and learning.
  • You are in control of who you want to be.

If you think my above summary is bollocks, please ignore it. I found the blunt insight into human nature very thought-provoking. With regards Cooper’s very dark and controversial idea that a very small part of human personality is to find children pretty due to once being a child oneself, this is not a theory I want to dwell on. However, it does serve a purpose which is to imply that we are by no means angels!

Even deeper trouble: The internet

I’m now mid mid way through my first year of Uni I have passed my first year exams and I am livin’ it fairly large. My relationship with the internet is now strong. The internet and I are close. It provides me with music, Dolphin Olympics, endless funny videos to share with mates and a glorious selection of pornography! However, the issue still remains that I’m waking up each morning with an unusual amount of hair left on my pillow. And something that I didn’t mention previously: my scalp actually hurt! This needed researching…

It was a fairly easy decision: I’d quickly knock one off (with the intention of improving my concentration) and then do some internet research into hair loss and scalp pain. What I found was overwhelmingly depressing! From memory these are some of the information that the internet provided:

My findings:

  • Spending £100s a month on propecia was a sure way to stop hair loss and even induce hair regrowth
  • Spending £100s a month on propecia appeared to have horrendous side-effects, like impotence!
  • Spending £100s a month on propecia would have zero benefit.
  • Spending £100s a month on propecia would have short term benefits followed by accelerated hair loss in the future.
  • Lots of famous people have had hair loss treatment! For example George Clooney. Who’d have thought!
  • Spending £10s money on generic minoxidil was a sure way to stop hair loss and even induce hair regrowth
  • Spending £10s money on generic minoxidil would have some impact on stopping hair loss
  • Spending £10s money on generic minoxidil would have zero impact on stopping hair loss
  • Hair loss surgery seems promising but bloody expensive
  • Diet supplement have mixed reviews but seem low risk and not too expensive.

My plan: Buy 4 months worth of dietary supplements designed to halt hair loss; buy 4 months worth of  generic minoxidil; see what happens after 4 months.

 

4-5 Months Later

In the final few weeks leading up to the summer exams my unusual exam strategy had resumed, and it’s fair to say that that my pillow has consistently had a good covering of hair each morning. The minoxidil and dietary supplement strategy had not hugely improved things..! Right then, however, my main concern was getting through the final exams.

Conclusions: My girlfriend at the time had told me that if I took Propecia then she would no longer sleep with me. This clearly meant that Propecia was temporarily out the window. I had found that the more itchiness / pain in my scalp I experienced, the greater the extent of my hair loss. Therefore, it seemed fairly clear to me that I needed to find out what was causing my scalp to hurt, and to remove these things from my life!

Foreword to the rest of this website: I spent the next 6 years working out the various different factors causing my scalp to itch and and my hair to fall out. Believe me – there are many contributing things! I have found that I have become incredibly perceptive to my hair follicles. Yes – I am probably unhealthy obsessed with hair loss.  And you will come to realise just how much thought and experimentation I have put into this as you read on! However, I do think about other things; I am not devoting my entire life to not going bald. Well, not quite anyway!

Also, I have not fully succeeded yet. As I write this, I can feel a slight tingle in the top of my scalp – of rare feeling now – telling me that something isn’t quite right. However, at least now I know exactly what has caused it, and if I had the been a bit more disciplined in the last couple of days, it wouldn’t be there at all!